How so?
He wants to consume Ruben in a way. He wants to be him so badly. He wants to step into his shoes. He wants to live his life. He wants to be as powerful as he is, and that means taking the things that he most loves: his wife, his life, his very being.
Even beyond Ruben, Niall is a complicated character. He’s struggling with his sexuality and dealing with substance abuse issues. What was your characterization of Niall?
He is a hundred people every day, and he isn’t happy with any one of them. And none of those are who he really is. That, after a while, is exhausting. Everything is in this spiral—this self-perpetuating damnation, if you will. He’s on this downward trajectory, this nosedive that he cannot pull himself out from.
So much of that is informed by the conditioning of his mother—that doesn’t seem to be the most healthy relationship in the world—and the absence of a father. It’s unfortunate that he didn’t have this other being, this physical presence in his life, which I think he’s so badly needed.
And then growing up in that place at that time, it was incredibly unforgiving, incredibly hard and damning, especially if you were gay at that time. It just was not something that you did. You didn’t see gay people. I grew up a little bit later, in the ’90s, but the playground was rife with homophobia, and a lot of it was probably said by people who possibly were gay. When I think about it now, it must have been so difficult at that time and those places, those proud, masculine, working-class, industrial-type places where manhood is a badge of honor. So he’s born out of all of that stuff.
All the way back to Billy Elliot, you’ve played characters who have gotten picked on for not being masculine enough. What do you think it is about you as an actor that attracts parts like that?
It really is a prevalent theme. I don’t know why that is, honestly. I know that growing up on those playgrounds, I did have a secret. I did go to dance class. I was raised by women. I didn’t have a father. So I didn’t feel particularly connected to any sense of masculinity whatsoever. Had no concept of what that was, really. And I did feel distant from the other guys in school and their love of soccer.
Obviously, there’s a much bigger conversation right now about toxic masculinity and the manosphere that’s ongoing. I’m glad the show’s part of that very vital, important conversation. But I do think, more than anything, the thing that speaks to me the most is just humanity and how willing people are to keep choosing the worst possible decision for them instead of being honest with themselves. I find it miraculous. We human beings are really complex creatures.
You had to engage in a lot of pretty graphic and intense intimate scenes as Niall that involved cruising in public parks and library bathrooms. What was it like filming those scenes?