Among the absolute best movies about female friendships, The First Wives Club is undoubtedly one to watch. The 1996 Hugh Wilson comedy stars Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and Bette Midler as three old friends who reconnect in their forties when their friend from college dies. They soon come to realize that they’re all facing similar situations, as each of their husbands has left them for a younger woman. This leads them to work together to exact revenge, though their efforts evolve into something more meaningful. And all the while, amidst some truly heartfelt and thoughtful scenes, hilarity ensues.
As you might expect from a film starring these three legends, there is no shortage of laughs to go around throughout The First Wives Club. So let’s get into some of the funniest and best quotes and scenes from the movie.
“You were with that man again, weren’t you?”
As we’re being introduced to the characters, it becomes immediately clear that Annie’s daughter Chris is no fan of her own father, describing him as “that man” with evident disdain when she realizes who her mother spent the night with.
“You’re forty-five. You know, if I give you one more face ift, you’re gonna be able to blink your lips!”
Elise’s introduction in the present day has her meeting with her plastic surgeon (played by Rob Reiner) who expresses extreme reluctance to continue touching up her face.
“Fill ’em up!”
It really isn’t funny to see just how desperate Elise is to maintain her youthful appearance as a Hollywood actress, knowing that the parts she’ll be eligible for are diminishing more and more. And yet, it’s also impossible not to laugh at the way Goldie Hawn delivers this line. She doesn’t want to hear her plastic surgeon’s protests, she just wants her lips filled up.
“You are married. You have a daughter. You’re very happy. You don’t need self-esteem.”
Diane Keaton’s character faces resistance from above and below her own tier on the family tree. While Annie’s daughter disapproves of her efforts to patch things up with Aaron, Annie’s mother (played by Eileen Heckart) is dismissive of the idea that “self esteem” is something Annie could possibly need.
“And your lips…”
As perfectly cast as First Wives Club is, I need to pause here and celebrate Maggie Smith as an unsung hero in this ensemble. While Gunilla plays a bigger role in the schemes of the First Wives Club later on in the film, we’re introduced to her first at Cynthia’s funeral, where she immediately comments on Elise’s freshly filled-up lips.
The Way Brenda Automatically Puckers Her Lips While Staring At Elise’s Mouth
The First Wives Club is undoubtedly one of Bette Midler’s best movies, and she shares so many perfect moments with Goldie Hawn’s Elise. That includes this one early on, when she reintroduces herself to her old friend and can’t seem to help herself from leaning in to stare at Elise’s lips while she unconsciously puckers her own.
“He starts working out. He grows a mustache. He gets an earring. I said, ‘Morty, Morty, what are you, a pirate? What’s next, a parrot?'”
As miserable as Brenda seems while talking about the collapse of her marriage following Morty’s mid-life crisis, it’s also hilarious the way she describes her husband’s slow transition into a pirate.
When We Meet Shelly (And She’s The Worst)
Sarah Jessica Parker enters the scene perfectly and immediately establishes herself as the worst — or maybe tied for the worst with Annie’s therapist? Shelly and Brenda’s disdain for one another is instantly apparent, and we’re never supposed to like Shelly, obviously, but Sarah Jessica Parker is just so great in every scene.
“Elise Eliot, The Crypt Keeper… wow.”
Tact isn’t something that movie director Brett Arthurian (Timothy Olyphant) seems to have learned in film school as he brutally describes the character he envisions for Elise as “the Crypt Keeper.” It doesn’t help that Elise showed up for the meeting thinking she was being eyed for the role of the character’s daughter.
“I love you.” “I want a divorce.”
Aaron (Stephen Collins) is awful. That much is clear from this scene, wherein we see him and Annie cuddle after spending a romantic night out dining and dancing, only to return to Aaron’s hotel for some more romance. While Annie clearly thinks this is the first night of them starting over, Aaron reveals that he wants a divorce. Somehow he thought one last date would be a good prelude to that announcement.
“Annie, let’s use this. He’s found someone new. You’re free. Closure!”
As if therapist Dr. Rosen couldn’t betray Annie’s trust any further, having engaged in a romantic relationship with Aaron while treating Annie, when Annie finds out about the relationship (moments after Aaron tells her he wants a divorce), Marcia Gay Harden’s character actually tries to use this nightmare of a situation as part of Annie’s therapy because… I don’t know.
“I’m SORRY!”
Naturally, finding out that her husband has been seriously dating her therapist, Annie loses it. As she should, because it’s completely outrageous. But Diane Keaton manages to make the scene funny anyway by delivering a screamed-out “I’M SORRY!” to her soon-to-be ex-husband and his new girlfriend.
“And I starched them … well, I mean, I supervised.”
Of course Annie has to clarify her actual level involvement in the care of Aaron’s shorts when explaining to her friends what she went through as his wife to take care of his needs. She may not have actually starched Aaron’s laundry herself, but she did supervise.
When The First Wives Club Comes To Order
It’s an iconic moment when Elise, Annie and Brenda agree to join forces and exact revenge on their exes, and it includes a champagne toast. Annie’s glass contains their discarded wedding bands, and while I don’t know how I feel about her sipping from a glass containing three recently worn rings, it’s the gesture that counts.
“GOD Bless you!”
The moment Elise, Annie and Brenda enter the bar where they’re trying to find Annie’s daughter, Elise is recognized and hit on by a woman (played by Lea DeLaria) who’s clearly a huge fan and eager to let her know just how hot she thinks Elise is. Elise’s reaction to this encounter is pure and total elation.
“Mom, you know you’re in a gay bar?”
Poor Chris is just hanging out, chatting up a pretty woman at a bar when who else but her mother should walk in and completely fail to read the room. Oh, Annie is fully aware that she’s in a gay bar, and she’s totally supportive of it, which is nice. But she doesn’t seem to see how her showing up here and interrupting her daughter at the bar might not be just a little bit mortifying for Chris. A bonus bit of funny in this scene is the way Brenda does seem to be aware and can’t seem to get away fast enough.
“It’s the ’90s, Bill. Downsize.”
Elise is especially enthusiastic about liquidating her and Bill’s (Victor Garber) marital property, instructing the movers to literally take the desk out from under him at one point. And she’s probably in the right to be a bit overzealous, given the circumstances. And her comment about how he should “downsize” as she’s leaving is even more warranted, in my opinion, after he suggests that her current behavior is hormonal.
“I’m Monique! And you can be my mom!”
Bill’s girlfriend, Phoebe (Elizabeth Berkley) clearly idolizes Elise and doesn’t seem to be remotely aware that the feeling isn’t mutual when she meets her. In fact, after revealing that she’ll be playing Monique — the role Elise was hoping to play — in Brett’s new movie, she enthusiastically suggests that Elise play her mom.
“ForK.”
Gunilla steps up to help out the First Wives Club by participating in a ruse to manipulate Shelly. That includes a fancy luncheon where Shelly talks non-stop (including berating Brenda at one point), and we get a true sense of just how hard Gunilla is trying to mask her disdain for Shelly by the way she curtly orders her to give her salad fork to the server.
“That chair is agony!”
Bronson Pinchot plays Duarto, Brenda’s friend and a decorator who agrees to help decorate Shelly and Morty’s apartment as part of the revenge plan. Upon arriving at their place, he immediately declares Morty’s chair “agony.”
When The Trio Escapes Morty And Shelly’s Apartment On The Window-Washing Scaffold
Though The First Wives Club makes excellent use of the comedic talents of its three leads throughout the movie, never is that better demonstrated than in this scene, where Elise, Annie and Brenda have to use the window-washing scaffold to sneak out of Shelly and Morty’s apartment, and nearly plummet to their deaths. Annie’s fear, Brenda’s determination to handle the situation and Elise’s enjoyment of it all combine for non-stop hilarity.
“Elise, you look great!”
Amidst their escape from Shelly and Morty’s apartment, the trio find themselves outside some random couple’s window. Fortunately, the interrupted man and woman are only surprised for a moment before they insist on letting Elise know how good she looks. Of course, Elise loves this (and Brenda clearly can’t handle it).
“She has impeccable taste… for an actress.”
Maggie Smith’s character drops this funny line while trying to encourage Shelly to bid on an item at an auction. When Elise bids to get the price up, Gunilla says whatever she has to in order to encourage Shelly to bid even higher. That includes a little dig at actors.
“With my money you bought it. I bought me a gift!”
Shelly doesn’t seem to understand why Morty is so upset at all of the money — literally hundreds of thousands of dollars, at least — that she spent at the auction. They were gifts! Of course, all of the money she’d spent was Morty’s, so he technically bought himself a $300k Lamborghini, among other things.
“I drink because I’m a sensitive and highly strung person.” “No, that’s why your co-stars drink!”
It’s devastating to see the trio have a full-on argument when things aren’t going their way. And the barbs they throw at one another are intense, particularly when Brenda and Elise go head to head and pull out all of the stops. Case in point, Elise claims she drinks because she’s sensitive and high-strung, but Brenda quickly turns that around on her and says those traits of hers are why her co-stars drink.
“You think just because I’m a movie star, I don’t have feelings? Well, you’re wrong. I’m an actress. I have all of them!”
Don’t accuse Elise of not having feelings just because she’s a famous movie star. She’s an actress, after all. If anyone knows anything about feelings, it’s her — she has all of them!
“Bill is so wrong, you are not Satan.”
Once again, Phoebe’s lack of awareness is ridiculous and kind of endearing, especially when we discover that she’s actually younger than anyone thinks. She also seems to think she’s saying something complimentary when she tells Elise that Bill is wrong about saying she’s Satan.
“Fifty cents?”
As great as he is as a dramatic actor, Victor Garber has also proven adept at providing subtly hilarious comedic support in certain roles (he has one of the best quotes in Legally Blonde, for example, and I love him so much in Sleepless in Seattle). He makes Bill just so perfectly unlikable in this movie, which is why it’s so satisfying to see the character’s reaction when Elise gives him his half of the liquidated marital assets, which is a total of fifty cents. Elise is generous though and decides to give him the full dollar for what she received for all of their fancy belongings.
“Oh, Daddy, I’m a lesbian. A big one.”
Earlier in the movie, Chris begs her mother not to tell her father that she’s gay, wanting to drop that reveal on “that man” at the perfect moment. She finds that moment near the end of the movie when Aaron is anxiously about to go in to meet with the First Wives Club to find out what’s going to happen next.
The You Don’t Own Me Finale
Earlier in the movie, Annie revealed that she was terrified to sing “You Don’t Own Me” along with her friends. By the end of the movie, as we see in this iconic finale, she’s gained enough confidence to belt out the song solo and with her friends, and it’s perfection.
“Gunilla was a first, second, third and fourth wife, which accounted for her very comfortable surroundings.”
Annie’s narration informs us that Gunilla is no stranger to being married, having been someone’s wife more than a few times, which explains the lavish lifestyle we see her living.
“Honey, she’s a quilt.”
Near the start of the movie, Duarto accompanies Brenda to Cynthia’s funeral. After spotting Elise, Duarto inquires about whether o\r not Elise has ever had any work done on her face. Brenda’s response implies that “work” would be an understatement.