Robert Pattinson is supposed to be preparing to play Batman in The Batman. Instead, he is microwaving pasta. Yes, pasta. As in pasta, the food—the thing you boil. In a blessedly entertaining new cover story for GQ, the actor demonstrates his pasta-microwaving capabilities and reveals that in 2019, he spent a not inconsequential amount of time trying to become a pasta entrepreneur by asking himself an eternal question: “How do you make a pasta which you can hold in your hand?”
The actor, who apparently hopes to diversify beyond his work on the big screen, said he had been wondering how to give pasta “the same kind of fast-food credentials as burgers and pizza.” Pattinson allegedly went so far as to brainstorm a type of handheld pasta, as well as a name for his venture: Piccolini Cuscino, which means “little pillow” in Italian. Because he is a famous person, Pattinson was able to bring his idea to Lele Massimini, the cofounder of sushi hot spot Sugarfish and proprietor of pasta bar Uovo.
“I told him my business plan and his facial expression didn’t even change afterwards,” Pattinson said of the meeting. “Let alone acknowledge what my plan was. There was absolutely no sign of anything from him, literally. And so it kind of put me off a little bit.” Massimini confirmed the story to GQ, saying, “It’s 100 percent true, everything he told you.”
So, what is the Pattinson-designed pasta sandwich? Well, the Tenet star—who is currently subsisting on a Batman-enforced meal plan of oatmeal with protein and the like—went ahead and made it for GQ during his interview. He began by microwaving penne pasta, which he then dumped into foil, which he then smothered in layers of cheese and sugar. “It really needs a sugar crust,” Pattinson explained. He covered the whole thing with a layer of crushed cornflakes (he didn’t have breadcrumbs), then topped it with a hamburger bun, which has been burned with the initials “PC.”
“I’m really trying to sell this company,” Pattinson said. “I’m doing this for my brand.”
Look: if you are not spending your coronavirus-enforced quarantine trying to reinvent pasta, then you are simply not on Pattinson’s level. Unfortunately, after shoving his pasta-vention into an oven that may or may not actually have been a microwave, he broke the appliance, according to GQ; a final taste test could not be achieved.
Does this sound like a piece of performance art secretly orchestrated by the Safdie brothers? Absolutely. Maybe the Pasta Scheme is Pattinson’s much lower stakes version of I’m Still Here, quietly trading Joaquin Phoenix’s fake rap mockumentary for a long, slow inside joke that has spilled into the pages of GQ. Can you imagine Pattinson taking his idea to Shark Tank? A chorus of ““I’m out” would sound around the room, setting a record for fastest shark rejection ever. Mark Cuban and Daymond John would toss Pattinson’s little pillow back and forth like a hot potato, while Barbara Corcoran egged them on, offering a 2 percent share in her latest venture if they just take a nibble. Lori Greiner would make a little joke about how she can’t see this selling on QVC, then lower her voice and ask Pattinson if he’s actually okay. Kevin O’Leary would have left the room the second the presentation started. Thank god Pattinson’s got a movie career to fall back on.
More Great Stories From Vanity Fair
— Behold Dune: An Exclusive Look at Timothée Chalamet, Zendaya, Oscar Isaac, and More
— How to Watch Every Marvel Movie in Order
— David Simon on The Wire and His Equally Pissed-Off New Show, The Plot Against America
— Beyond Tiger King: 8 True-Crime Documentaries That Sparked a Second Look From the Law
— Downton Abbey’s Julian Fellowes on His New Series and the Beauty of a Scheming Woman
— All the New 2020 Movies Streaming Early Because of Coronavirus
— From the Archive: The Notorious Rivalry of Hedda Hopper and Louella Parsons, Hollywood’s Dueling Gossip Columnists
Looking for more? Sign up for our daily Hollywood newsletter and never miss a story.