Up until this episode of The Masked Singer, the hardest thing to accept about this program has been Nick Cannon’s outfits. On several occasions, I’ve had to wade through the mishigas of the PPO system in order to make emergency optometrist visits, after Eminem’s nemesis shot fancy shoe spikes and sequins shards into my eyeballs. I have endured him looking like a Forever 21 Phantom of the Opera and, as Robin Thicke once put it, a “Versace ninja” because his unimpeachable glamour showed me how to move through the world with more confidence and how to blind my enemies by wearing more shiny embellishments.
But this week, The Masked Singer went too far, man. Not only did the judges again fail to recognize the voice of one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable voices, but they also sent her home. To be fair, Miss Monster sounded at points like she was gurgling bourbon and marbles at the same time, but everyone’s who’s been on this thing said it’s really hard, and this song wasn’t really suited for her. Still, the fact that Miss Monster got defeated before White Tiger or Kangaroo — and she’s the THIRD legend to be disrespected after Gladys Knight and Patti LaBelle — hurts my heart in a way Nick’s jackets never will, and I will always want justice. Read on if you wanna know what happened but brace yourself, you too will be outraged.
The Turtle
After taking part in a group rendition of Kiss’ “Rock and Roll All Nite,” Turtle kicked off the clue portion with some weird new game they’re doing where high school teachers give clues? This makes no sense but then, we’re watching a turtle sing so [shrug emoji]. Singing “There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back” by Shawn Mendes, Turtle owned this one danced well too, leaving no doubt he’s a pro performer.
Week 3 clues: Turtle was chilling at the end of a football field. His “teacher” said he always came in singing, was the most driven student she ever had, and we saw a map of Korea. We saw what looked like a bat embalmed in resin. He told Nicole Scherzinger they spent a morning together, which could be something bow chicka bow wow, or a some kid’s christening. We may never know.
Week 2 clues: He dropped a tray of food and pulled the fire alarm in the cafeteria, saying he wanted to rebel against expectations. He was writing “Don’t Ever Rave at School” on a chalkboard and said he’ll sing whatever he wants before grabbing his inflatable guitar. He said he was most likely to hunt for booty… like a pirate?
Week 1 clues: We saw him on a track, competing against guys wearing bunny ears. He was holding a surfboard and said he’s always taken it “step by step.” Then, we saw him at a grill, making burgers. He said he wants to make a big splash.
The Guesses: Jenny McCarthy said Nick Lachey. Guest judge Leah Remini said Jaden Smith, and Nicole guessed country crooner Hunter Hayes.
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Miss Monster
The moment she opened her mouth to sing “You Don’t Own Me” by Lesley Gore, that shrill shriek and husky bottom can only belong to Yvette Marie Stevens, also known as the one and only Chaka Khan. The song wasn’t really ideally suited for her, but Chaka Khan could sing the ingredients on a jug of Metamucil and you better like it. It’s Chaka Khan!
Week 3 clues: She opened her package with her “hairstylist” saying she’s his spiritual mom; we saw a clothesline holding a slice of pizza, a pair of white socks and a black and white teddy bear — all hints about Chicago. We also saw a swath of camouflage fabric. She’s known for her hair. She said she and Robin had a rendezvous in Vegas once.
Week 2 clues: There was a nod to Titanic, with Miss Monster drawing Season 1 Monster in repose, like in an art class. We saw a queen chess piece. She said she’s capable of anything and full of love. She said she’d be most likely to be in the presence of a queen when asked what her superlative would be, and that makes no sense, but whatever. The clues really are harder this season!
Week 1 clues: She said she started off shy and that it didn’t take long for her to be misunderstood. We saw her using hairspray and lipstick, and we saw her at a locker bearing the number 10.
The guesses: Leah played herself with saying Mary Wilson of The Supremes. Jenny made herself look insane by saying Queen Latifah, and Nicole and Robin said Gloria Gaynor. At the last minute, Nicole and Robin finally considered it could be Chaka, but it was too late – they already disrespected this vocal genius.
The Masked Singer
Kangaroo
Kangaroo sang “Diamonds” by Rihanna. She’s no career crooner, but she did OK.
Week 3 clues: Kangaroo’s “brother,” who wore a plant on his head (what is happening?!) said Kangaroo was always a drama queen. We saw a model airplane. Tragedy hit their family. We saw an angel — making it sound like she’s a model-actor-influencer type. She told Leah they’ve sat at the same table, possibly on a talk show?
Week 2 clues: She said it’s scary to be in the spotlight again. We saw a bunch of beauty products, including nail polish, and she played basketball against some dudes all sporting number 23. She said she had a little one. She said she was most likely to be on a list with Seal and Mike Tyson.
Week 1 clues: She said she’s a survivor, that she lost someone recently and had to bounce back. We saw her in a desert-type environment with a sign that read “Outback.” She’s been in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons. We saw a gramophone.
The guesses: Ken Jeong said Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Nicole said Lindsay Lohan, but it can’t be because her voice doesn’t sound like Marlboro reds. Jenny said Jordin Sparks.
The White Tiger
He “sang” Queen’s “We Will Rock You” to the best of his ability, but man, somebody check on the ghost of Freddy Mercury to make sure he’s not about to spook all these people for permitting that atrocity. As Nicole said, he just goes for “any note.”
Week 3 clues: He said he could always work a crowd. His college roommate said they used to turn up in school, and showed a coin (like the kind tossed in a sports match.) He said him and White Tiger used to do a Magic Mike-type routine, and he said “smell what I’m cooking?” like The Rock used to. There was a close-up on the phone off the hook.
Week 2 clues: He was in a library, again. We saw a poster of a cow on skis. He turned on a boom box and said dancing helps him heal his body. He opened what resembled a piñata, and feathers and confetti came out. He said he literally went to the mat for a friend.
Week 1 clues: He’s tall! His clue package showed pads being placed on his body, like a football player, and he said he’s chased perfection his whole life. We saw a trophy for clam-chucking. A sign read Masked Singer tryouts 5/3 male; another had presidents on it and said “Four score and seven years ago.” The whole package took place inside a high school, and we saw Tiger in the library.
The guesses: Jen thinks it’s Rob Gronkowski. Ken said Fabio, and Nicole said Joe Manganiello.
In the end, Miss Monster had to pop off her head, and it was none other than….Chaka Khan under there. The cruelest part of this is that this 10-time Grammy winner and force behind “Ain’t Nobody” has to watch White Tiger move on into this competition. It’s not right. Chaka, “I Feel For You.” I really do. What I need to know is, how many more treasured vocalists is The Masked Singer intending on humiliating like this? Is Diana Ross in their sights? Is Bonnie Raitt safe? Will Celine Dion be outsung by a poop emoji? It has to stop, and now.
The Masked Singer airs Wednesdays 8/7c on Fox.
The Masked Singer